Good day all! This is William Wilbur Pearce(he/them) here with today’s news story. Unfortunately, my brilliant piece of journalism for the day is not a positive one. Cinch News investigative journalists have recently been informed that rising star lawyer Amelia Ruby Penelope Croft has been arrested and charged with assault. A dreadful loss for all members of GMH staff, especially those who make regular financial donations.
Hailing from a wealthy European family, Amelia(she/her) and her younger sibling Neville(xe/xir) made the move to a residential complex in San Francisco, California, to study and pursue social activism so that they may gift the world with their boundless lakes of wisdom. Both have become integral members of the GMH team in the legal and journalistic departments. At the age of 23, Amelia is a Harvard graduate and has developed a reputation as a mastermind of law and, like her sibling, a dedicated and tireless worker free from bias.
This news will undoubtedly come as a shock to her colleagues and family. Having met Amelia myself, I can only describe her as a warm, radiant young woman with intoxicating wit and a charming, feminine personality, even after she described me as the f slur when I informed her that I identify as pansexual.
In the early hours of the morning, Amelia had pulled up in her Tesla to her anger management class. This class was mandatory after an incident in the office a few days ago where she allegedly slapped a colleague after she discovered he was dating another female member of staff from the finance department. In said class, a fight broke out between herself, a male classmate, and her teacher (now wrongfully anonymous in witness protection). Alarmingly the teacher gave her a “rape stare”. Another spectating classmate called the police who arrived at the scene and, to our horror, attempted to arrest her. Amelia did not wish to be seized by the criminals in blue and resisted very boldly only to be knocked over. Our staff informed me that her elbow suffered a minor bruise but a bruise nonetheless. We’re just thankful that she is alive to tell the tale.
Amelia now is in police custody and has been incorrectly found guilty of assault. Now she awaits punishment in miserable isolation. Our legal experts believe that a lengthy prison sentence may well be on the horizon. Fortunately, our finest lawyers including world renowned legal superstar Andy Kuntz are working tirelessly to free her from the sexist shackles of tyranny.
We managed to contact a few of her close family members and colleagues including her sibling Neville who had this to say:
“I was watching Amy Schumer with my dear friends Norm, Tina, and Marcel in the office when I received the call from the police. I was stunned. I know that Amelia has a history of sudden bursts of anger, my many scars are a testament to that, but I am appalled by her treatment by the police officers. As a woman, it is my duty to believe her and I am certain that she did nothing wrong. I have contacted my cousin Lindsey, immediate family, colleagues, and my dear friends on the discord server. I suppose that the only benefit of this is that I no longer have to read her insulting messages but I probably shouldn’t speak more on that. I don’t want to have a television thrown at my head again. Blessings of Biden upon you.”
Our investigative journalists also spoke to a senior journalist of size from Jewish descent known as ‘New Hat’ (he/him) on the discord server, who claims to be the boyfriend of Amelia. New Hat said that he was there at the scene of the incident and was generous enough to provide his testimony:
“Amelia and I were basically a couple. I have only known her for a few days, but in that time I feel like our souls have bonded. Other than her chasing after Darren from accounting, we are in a long term, committed relationship. Oh, about the crime? I was following her around, making sure she was safe, like I normally do. She got into her cherry-red Tesla, like she always does on a weekday morning for anger management classes. As she was about to walk in, a male walked out and refused to hold the door for her. Ame (my pet name for Amelia) let him know what she thought. I wasn’t close enough to hear what she said, but I knew she was angry, because she scratched the guy’s eye. For some reason, he wouldn’t take it like a man, and instead shouted and made a considerable fuss about it. If Ame scratched me, I would immediately apologize because I know I did something wrong. Some guys just aren’t gentlemen. Anyway, the teacher noticed the noise, and came over to see what was going on. At this point, she was getting more and more angry, and eventually hit him with a stool. I think the teacher deserved it, he was being extremely rude her, he sounded patronizing, and blaming her for what was clearly the man’s fault. I stopped recording at this point, the fight would be no good for my private collection of photos and videos of her. She is so beautiful, she deserves to be documented, you know? Anyway, the police get called and Ame tried to prove the man harassed her. I would’ve defended her, but Ame prefers I keep a distance from her, plus, I had yelled at the cops about racial inequality earlier that day. The cops were real rough with Ame, She fought as hard as she could, but the racist scumbag cops fought back against a woman. They scraped her elbow, and I think one of the cops was attracted to her. That made me jealous.”
Amelia has only been in contact with Neville since being heinously flung into the pits of damnation and did provide a statement regarding this mockery of justice. However, I cannot write it here in this article. Large swathes of it contain obscene ableist, fatphobic, homophobic, and transphobic profanities. She must just have been a little cranky after her arduous ordeal. Poor thing. She is too pure for this world.
What can be taken from this? Our conversation with Neville brought forth an undeniable fact: that Amelia Croft is another addition to a long list of police brutality victims. Just like the heroic George Floyd or the noble Breonna Taylor, Amelia has been subject to a vicious attack and we count ourselves miraculously lucky that she wasn’t shot on the spot like so many others.
We hope that all allies in the fight against systemic police brutality rise up and take a stand. Protest wherever you can. Preach the word across the digital realms, scream the truth of Amelia’s suffering from your bedroom window, light a candle, and take to the streets with signs in hand. #FreeAmelia!