As Ukraine repels the Russian invasion, many influencers and social media stars are wondering how they can make this about them.
It’s a fair question. Occasionally things happen in the world that, just for a moment, remind us how useless these people are to our country and how, if society crumbled, they would have nothing of substance to offer the community.
But then we snap back to our senses and remember that it’s completely reasonable that they can make money and influence public opinion through impressionable and easily amused audiences by dancing.
So, if you don’t do anything that provides products or services that are critical for society and humanity, then here’s FIVE dances you can film yourself on Tik Tok doing that might just scare Putin into submission.
5. Cannibal
Ah, just what 2022 ordered – a Charli D’Amelio and Kesha collaboration! If you don’t know who either are, then you’re probably not a white girl with white Nikes and too much shit on her keychain.
Both have the exact same amount of value and have the same chance of being remembered by anyone who is registered to vote.
The key here is to draw attention to your boobs with your hands and then wonder why nobody respects you.
4. Savage Love
Yeah, that Jason DeRulo.
We don’t know.
Of course, we wouldn’t dare criticize females who are certainly above criticism although both of these types of people seem to be exclusively women or feminine men – but, regardless, everyone deserves happiness and even these… people.
Hopefully if America is invaded and the country, like Ukraine, legally obligates men to stay and fight while women go off to complain about a misrepresented pay gap in a safe space then they can come up with a Tik Tok dance to commemorate us as we are wiped away by a nuclear winter.
3. Captain Hook
Ahhh, Megan the Stallion… is there anything you can do?
If you’ve noticed a trend so far, it might have to do with who is performing these dancesand what appears to be their motivation.
But make no mistake – the reason the modern woman tries to encourage an audience to be sexually attracted to her is pure accident and is your own fault, you sack of shit.
They wear tight pants because it is comfortable. Not because it has anything to do with garnering positive attention. That is ridiculous, sexist and juvenile.
Men only wear comfortable clothing because they’re afraid of their sexuality.
Wait…
ANYWAYS, war between nuclear superpowers could be curtailed by learning this fun dance that is about female empowerment.
2. I’m a Savage
That’s right, another dance associated with Megan Thee Donkey.
Look out, Cardi B – there’s a new anthem for girls that steal money out of their mom’s purse.
This song and subsequent dance really drives home some American strengths which is lack of accountability and glorification of negative traits. That is what makes us strong. The inability to tell when we are weak.
Some key takeaways from this video you should pick up on is the fake laugh before or after the dance in order to show you don’t really care and it’s not about clout, looking good or pursuit of fame. That way, if it doesn’t work out, then you don’t even care, right? If it DOES work out… well, you’re just a small town girl who happened to make it big by posting videos every goddamn day.
Another tip is to push your tongue out the side of your open mouth, gently resting on your lips. Why? No idea.
1. Any dance, really
It really doesn’t matter which one you do as long as you make sure to film yourself and don’t make it obvious that you’re trying. Also, don’t try to be too pretty but don’t be too ugly. You have to try without trying, you know?
China would be BREAKING the INTERNET with these TIK TOK DANCES if their culture wasn’t focused on productivity and utility. You are looking at hundreds of vain, unhappy people pursuing a dream they’ll never achieve as long as there’s someone more famous than them. The unquenchable thirst of excess.
So keep motivating others to pursue social media as anything more than a tool to connect with friends or family.
It will continue to grow our culture that gratifies bad behavior, vanity and lack of accountability which will eventually lead to the problems all fixing themselves – including the Russia/Ukraine thing.
Ukraine invaded Russia or something, right? I wonder if Megan Thee Stallion has released a new song yet.. shit what booster shot are we on?
