Everyone seems to have heard of this “Minecraft” phenomena
that has been going through the rounds again through today’s children. Concerned parents, please read on.
In order to more fully understand and explain games from an
educated viewpoint, one that my readers have certainly learned to love, I have
spent my standard 100 hours playing Minecraft.
Let no one say that I was not thorough, even to my own detriment.
At the start of a new game, you start as a male (yes, I
know) known as Steve. In this lackluster start, you are alone in a seeming
wilderness. In order to progress in the
game whatsoever, generally the first thing you must do is “punch a tree”. Yes, in order to progress in the game, you
must slam your fists into a tree that was minding its own business cleaning the
air for you, clearly this sets the tone for what is a truly violent game.
After obtaining wood, you must begin crafting tools and
ultimately build a house or some sort of base, for when night comes, the
“monsters” come out, of whom I will expand upon later. This is fairly guaranteed to be the only way
to survive at this point, so you must work quickly before night falls. Once you build your base, make sure to keep
it well lit, for otherwise monsters, or “mobs” will spawn inside it and kill
These “mobs” are indeed quite problematic. Most notable are “creepers” and
“endermen”. Creepers are a clear mockery
of Islamic Jihadist stereotype, and at the earliest chance will explode any
where that you might me, in the intention to kill you. In you house, doing nothing? Explosion.
Mining? Explosion. Drafting peace
agreements with the friendly villagers? Explosion, and even more so explosion.
I don’t know why we must say it so many times, Islam is a religion of peace
That aside, even worse are endermen, they are a clear
metaphor for POC. They are a
dark-skinned people that are taller than others, what “great specimens”. What is even worse is that if you even LOOK
at them wrong, they become aggressive, or “aggro” in hateful gamer speak, and
won’t stop attacking you until somebody dies. The only way to look at one
directly is to wear a pumpkin on your head, clearly an insult to POCs
everywhere by basically saying that they are stupid enough to fool with a
pumpkin on your head. Apparently, they
are the only creatures who can pick up “blocks” as well, reinforcing the
stereotype of POC construction workers.
There are, however, peaceful mobs who will not attack. There are places where you can meet a
peaceful group called villagers, with cute houses and farms. Sounds great right? It is until you realize that villagers are
basically exactly copied from anti-Semitic stereotypes, with their
overexaggerated noses and the presence of protective “Iron Golems” clearly
linked to ancient Jewish culture. Many a
gamer will comment that “their only use is for trading”. All these villagers care about is making a
buck. Truly disrespectful.
Besides all that, building a house can be quite fun, even if
allowed art is quite limited to non JLGBTQ+ art. You can spend many hours on this task
alone. One day on my farm, as I was
contemplating whether using black carpet was racist or not, I was besieged by
the indigenous “Pillagers”. It appears I
built my farm on land that I did not own.
I tried to make peace or just leave, but they were out for blood. Of course, Minecraft, of course you classify
indigenous persyns as incredibly violent.
One night as I was coming back from a lengthy expedition
from a not so nearby Village, I had forgotten what time it was, and night
arrived, and the mobs came out. It was a
truly terrifying experience, as I had, along the way, found some name tags that
I could use to label my pets with their correct pronouns and did not want to
lose them. I was horrified at the prospect of my pets losing their right to now
be misgendered and I knew what I had to do, but it was a difficult
decision. I had to cut my way
through. It was horrifying, these mobs
had just the same right to life as I did.
After that night, I was so horrified and had to take a day off to calm
Another important mechanic for playing this game is making potions, they can be necessary for survival, breathing underwater and exploring in general. Guess how you make them? You have to build a literal PORTAL TO HELL and collect the body parts of creatures that were minding their own business and just want you to go away and please not kill them. Gruesome.
The end of the game involved
collecting ender pearls, which are, you guessed it, bodyparts of creatures
again, like everything else. They are bodyparts of the endermen. Guess what, this particular body part often
gets damaged in combat, so it is a rare drop.
The solution? Build the enderman equivalent of a gas chamber in order to
“farm” their body parts? Oh and how do
you make it? Apparently endermen only
like the dark, my word.
Once you complete your mass
murdering and have obtained the items you need, it is now time to open another
portal, a portal to “The End” where you must slay an innocent dragon that was
minding its won business, in its OWN DIMENSION, I kid you not.
After playing this game, I needed
to take a week off in Hawaii to decompress. I truly feel bad for the staff at
the resort, as I was not friendly afterwards. A blood test showed the increase
of Epinephrine (C9H13NO3), the chemical that
causes anger and violence in today’s youth.
Oh, and testosterone of course. I
was slipping into my old self, a toxic male.
It was necessary to undergo minor corrective treatments and therapy
before I had returned to a state of sanity.
So, no, I do NOT recommend you
play this game, or let your children play it.
I recommend you delete it and ask for a refund, no matter how hard your
child cries. Remember, they are just
addicted to the Epinephrine, they may suffer withdrawal symptoms, but they will